Holy Trinity, Redhill

Holy Trinity Redhilll

The Jokes Page

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says, slightly concerned. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point!?!" he moans, now really getting worried. "I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I’ll get into Heaven is by the grace of God!"
St. Peter nods & smiles, "You’ve made it! 100 points! Come on in, my son!"

Why did the biscuit cry? Because it's mum had been a wafer so long!

Four fonts walk into a bar, The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here

Two peanuts walk into a bar, One was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here

"Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to

a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in

Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of

himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband

that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,

"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Two senior clergy were talking in the conference bar. One said ‘I worry so much, I can’t sleep at night and have terrible nightmares.’

The other replied: ‘That’s nothing. I’m sleeping like a baby. I wake every three hours and cry’

Adam blamed Eve; Eve blamed the serpent and the serpent hadn’t a leg to stand on.

How do u know if there is a musician at the door?

They can never find the right key and always come in at the wrong time!!

Whats the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

u only have to punch the information in to a drum machine once!!

A Minister who preached on Psalm 119, verse 71 - "It is good for me that I was afflicted" - illustrated his sermon by saying that whereas growth sometimes takes place best in sunlight, at other times a shady spot is preferable. He then continued, "Whereas we plant roses where they will be exposed to sunshine, if we want fuchsias to do well we plant them in the shade." After the sermon, from which he hoped some of the members would derive comfort, a lady thanked him profusely. His heart glowed until she added, "Now I know what is wrong with my fuchsias."

A visiting preacher remarked to the minister of a church after the service that he thought that the singing had sounded very poor and what was the matter. The minister replied, "Yes unfortunately the agnostics here are dreadful."

An uncle who could not make it to his niece's wedding instead sent her a telegram saying that she should read 1 John 4v18 which is about perfect love. Unfortunately and the 1 in 1 john had been missed off the page and when it arrived the service had just started. The best man was given it and he quickly looked up the passage and bookmarked it. When it came to his speech later at the reception he announced that the telegram had arrived and he was now going to read out a special message to the bride. He then read John 4v18 saying, "This woman has had 5 husbands and the man she is with now is not her husband."

A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM COMMODE.' But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. 'Does the campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

'Dear Madam:
I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.'

'The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.'

'I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.'

'If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.'

'Remember, this is a friendly community.'

* * * * * * * * ** * *

"Christmas Fayre. A good chance to get rid of anything unwanted. Bring your husbands."

"Hymn 2376 I heard the voice of Jesus say ""The collection is taken during this hymn""

The agenda was adopted . . . the minutes were approved. . . the financial secretary gave a grief report.

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his Doctor and his Lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the Doctor and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves..... and that's how I want to go too."

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.The old man asked, "What are the green fees?

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!"

Did you hear about the Police Station that was burgled? Someone Broke into the place and stole all the toilet seats.The cops are quoted as saying, "We have nothing to go on."

Adam was walking around in the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,"What is wrong with you?" Adam said he did not have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you." "She will agree with your every decision. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and always be the first to admit she was wrong."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked,"What can I get for a rib?"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say grace?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mummy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Today's sermon reminded me of the peace of God. It passed all understanding.

Today’s sermon reminded me of the mercies of God. I thought it would endure forever.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone from his slingshot?
A. It had never entered his mind before?

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

A preacher was winding up his sermon against the evils of drink with great fervour: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"

The preacher sat down.

The song leader stood up and announced: "For our closing song, let us sing hymn number 365, 'Shall we gather at the River.'"

A drunk boards a train and sits himself by a priest and begins to read a newspaper. After a bit he looks and says "Tell me father what causes
Arthritis?"
This was just the opening the priest had been waiting for "I will tell you
what causes arthritis, my man" he said with some passion "Its immoral living,
too much drinking and smoking and other sins of flesh. How long have you had it?"
"Oh its not me father" Said the drunk "Its just that it says here that the
Popes got it.”

A young mother was trying to comfort her daughter when her pet kitten died, saying, "Remember, dear, Fluffy is up in heaven now with God." "But mummy", the girl sobbed. "What in the world would God want with a dead cat?

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!'"

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

And Now For The Notices

· The pastor will be leaving tonight, and we will be having a service of singing and praise.

· The Rev. McArthur spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

· This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

· Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

· The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

· Please welcome Pastor Cowden, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

· Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

· Miss Shirley Neilson sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

· Margaret remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Turnball's sermons.

· Matthew Hains and Jamie Waters were married on Oct 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

I went to a bookshop and asked the assistant ‘where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

This man told his wife he did not want to get up and go to church this morning because of three reasons "1. I am very tired. 2. The sermons are dull 3. No one there likes me." Then he said to his wife, "Name 3 reasons why I should go."

She said, " 1. You're supposed to enjoy fellowship and worship God 2. Some of them do like you, And 3. YOU’RE THE VICAR, NOW GET UP AND GET DRESSED

The vicar’s family were sitting down to tea when the phone rang. It was the headmistress of the local girls school asking the vicar to give a talk on sex. Somewhat embarrassed when his wife asked him about the call, in front of the children, he said ‘Oh, it was Miss Smith from St Agatha’s asking me to give a talk to the girls on sailing.’

Sometime later the vicar’s wife met the headmistress out shopping. ‘Oh, your husband’s talk was marvellous’ enthused the head ‘ our girls were spellbound from beginning to end.’

‘ Well, you do surprise me’ said the vicar’s wife ‘For one thing, he knows practically nothing about it. In fact he has only done it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off.’

GCSE Religious Education

· In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of Creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off

· Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

· Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

· Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

· Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

· The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the Genitals

· When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

· St Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

· A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

· Humour thy father and mother

· Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrods

· The 10^th leopard when he had lost his spots went back to sat thankyou

What type of lights did Noah install on the Ark? Floodlights.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a grab a box of jewellery, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but was nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth. He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room, and noticed a birdcage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage." Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar.

"Yes, I am," said the parrot.
"Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you?" asked the man.
"Because I felt like you needed to be warned," replied the parrot.

By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare the living daylights out of him. "What's your name?" asked the burglar.
"Moses," the parrot said.

"Ha," the man guffawed. "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"
The parrot exclaimed, "The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."

More Church Notices

· The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

· The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

· Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

· The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which, the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

· Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

· The Sunday school will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hallFriday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

· Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

· Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

· At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

· Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

· Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

· For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a creche downstairs.

· This being Easter Sunday, during the next hymn Mrs. Lewis will lay an egg on the altar.

· The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

· Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

· The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

TOP TEN HOMEWORK EXCUSES

1. Mum was tidying my room and put my homework book somewhere and can’t remember where.

2. We left it in the car and it got stolen

3. My brother sold it over the internet to a boy in Australia

4. The dog/younger brother ate it

5. I was abducted by aliens and they kept it as a souvenir

6. ‘Oh that was homework? I thought it was recycling’

7. My dad offered to help me so I got it all wrong. I’ll bring it in tomorrow.

8. It turned out that the ink in my printer was invisible

9. I was obeying a news bulletin that the last tree had been chopped down and paper was now a scarce commodity and only to be used in emergency.

10. The homework triggered off a repressed memory and I am having to spend three weeks in therapy.

Q. Who was the straightest man in the Bible?
A. Joseph; Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Holy Trinity Church, Carlton Rd, Redhill, RH1 2BX Telephone 01737 766604 To email us click here